Day 24

When you are unhealthy, or more importantly unhappy with your body/lifestyle it is so easy to get down on yourself.

While I won’t go as far as to say I’ve gotten the eating portion of this down, I am understanding what I can and can’t have.  I am grasping what foods affect my blood sugar and why.  I am making better choices.

But, man 0′ man do I suck it up, big time, at exercising.  For the longest I would tell myself “When I lose 30 pounds, I will start exercising”.  Then the weight never came off.  Now I am at the point of “Well, the weight didn’t come off, so I guess I’m going to have to exercise fat”.

Now I know a healthy diet and a reasonable exercise plan are the keys to weight loss.  Of course I know this. 

But sometimes I feel too fat to exercise. 

It hurts.  My lungs burn.  My joints ache.  My fat jiggles.  My boobs bounce.

Of course I know that I should go at my own pace and listen to my body, but constantly strive to move forward with exercise. 

I just get so discouraged.

I am embarrassed that someone might see me exercise. 

I mean, really?  Embarrassed that someone might see me exercise?  Why would anyone make fun of or criticize someone who is trying to improve themselves?  Yes, I know that it happens.  But why would I care if someone did criticize or make fun of me?  Who are they to me?

Funny thing is, I am most embarrassed about exercising in front of people I know, i.e. family, friends.  And I know they are the least likely people to criticize or poke fun. 

So these are just some of the mental issues I have been trying to work out. 

That and I read a blog the other day about a woman who had lost a significant amount of weight.  During her weight loss journey not only did her body change, but she changed. 

How could she not change?  She was becoming healthy and taking care of herself for presumably the first time in her life.

What scares me about this is the change in relationships that also occur. 

What if I really do succeed and lose weight, thus making my physical and mental selves better?  How is this going to affect my marriage?  My relationship with my kids?  My mom?  Sisters?  Friends?

What if I lose 190 lbs only to wake up one morning to find out I’m not the person I was when I got married and my husband isn’t in love with me anymore?  What if I wake up and I’m not in love with him anymore?

So yea, crap like this scares me.  Being stagnant, non-evolving, fat, unhealthy (physically and mentally) any longer scares me more though.

I realize these are risk I must take.  I have to take. 

Doesn’t make them any less scary. 

Eating has been 100% on track.  I haven’t varied one little bit.

My efforts at exercising are going to have to improve.  Period. 

The 5k I am eyeing happens in exactly 100 days.  No time like today to really work on my 5k in 100 days program!  I can’t think of a better way to “graduate” from the program.  Can you?

 

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Filed under Diet, Health, Weight

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