For a while now I have really been struggling to hang on to my healthy living goals.  Then a few weeks ago a slip rapidly turned into a spiraling nose dive from the dieting/exercise saddle.

Needless to say, I landed squarely on my head. 

Embarrassed by my lack of self-control, I quickly went into hiding mode.  I’ve hidden from this blog.  I’ve hidden from my Twerps on Twitter.  I’ve hidden from the guys on Facebook.

One upside (or downside?) to having an online support group/friends is when you decided to shut yourself off, they virtually have no means to communicate with you.  Unlike the people you know “in real life”, most of your online community can’t just pick up the phone or drive over to confront you and ask WTF?

Of course, my “in real life” folks are pretty limited.  Over the years I have successfully cut myself off from and withdrawn from most of them, so even they don’t call or come by.

But even with all of this, as I lay wallowing in the darkness, the self-loathing, regret and embarrassment, I manage to imagine a life better than this.  I dare to dream of a day that food addiction and exercise phobia doesn’t dictate the directions of my life.  I dream of a time that I am strong and wise enough to make better decisions about the food I put into my mouth.  I long for the day that I can tie my shoes and literally run out the door.

I have heard numerous people say, “you have to really want it”.  I really want it.  Really, I do.

Unlike other addiction, because I have a food/binge addiction, I wear the results of my addiction for the whole world to see.  And I am my own worst critic.

I hate  how I look and feel (emotionally and physically), but feel I am completely powerless against my demons.

How do I reset my mind?  Over the past couple of weeks I have completely undone what little good I had managed since October.  My weight is back up to 328 lbs.




Filed under Diet, Health, Weight

5 responses to “Confession

  1. Melissa K

    Oh girl! I know…been there done that myself. I got back up to my previous weight and I am now back on the wagon as far as eating healthy and losing weight goes. I haven’t thrown in the exercise bit yet—working on eating healthy first and avoiding binging on stuff. I am doing good so far. 4.4 lbs and 2 inches in my waist and 1 inch in my thigh lost in just 9 days simply by watching WHAT I am eating (ie, no junk foods, no sodas, no juices –no high calorie drinks period other than my coffee in the morning and maybe a cup of tea or cocoa in the evening and no processed foods) and HOW much I am eating.

    Why don’t you try it like I am doing? Simply go thru the house and get rid of any junk foods first. Toss them or give them away. Make a plan for foods you would like to eat but that are healthy (fruits, veggies, whole grains, etc.) and go to the store and get them in modest quantities (fresh foods are better when eaten fresh and not having been stored for a while even though it is a pain in the rear to go to the store more often). When I do eat I simply fill my plate like I usually would—but then remove 1/4 of it (bits here and there from everything on the plate). Start by eating 1/4 less than what you normally would and drink 2-3 cups of water before eating. Beans and buckwheat and other stuff like this is filling and nutritious and not high in calories or fat. Egg white omlets are great as they have no cholesterol (toss the yellow part out—I know it feels like a waste but it is better for your body) and way fewer calories. I am back on sparkpeople but not necessarily to count calories (I get a bit in a funk when I do that) but more for the other information about healthy living and whatnot. I have done enough calorie counting and stuff that I KNOW what I should be eating and what portion size I should have. Like tonight for instance we are having veggie pizzas (homemade) and I am NOT going to eat a whole pizza (or a pizza and a half!) like I normally would but rather 1/2 of one and a huge green salad (lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, carrot, a bit of parmesean cheese and for dressing some balsamic vinegar only) and 3 cups of water to drink with lemon in it. YUM. I am still eating what I want but way less. This is they ONLY way I seem to be able to control my eating. If I get munchy feeling at night I eat an apple or an orange or some whole wheat cracker thingys that are low calorie with a bit of low fat cheese or a 1/2 cup of yogurt (plain natural yogurt not the fruity stuff with lots of sugar).

    Praying for you girl! Jump back on the wagon but go little step by little step. You will lose the weight and I know you want to lose it. I tried calling a few times but I think y’all were out. 🙂

  2. Your post was very brave, Christi – and I can totally relate to wanting to shut myself off and live in a cave. I’m proud of you and am rooting for you! -D

  3. I think we all shut ourselves away now and then. Especially if we’re going through a rough patch!
    You didn’t stay shut away but came back, which I know is hard but awesome!

  4. I have started and restarted so many times I can’t even count. You have been through a lot lately and you have to a) be kind to yourself and then b) get back on track. Realizing that you’ve slipped off the tracks is the first step! Best of luck to you – I am so sorry about your dad.

  5. I found you on Twitter through #5Kin100days and I was drawn to this post. You’re not alone. It’s just like you said, “I dream of a day that food addiction and exercise phobia doesn’t dictate the directions of my life.” That statement could have easily come out of my mouth. There are so many of us in your shoes that have this same addiction, and a large amount of weight to lose. We need each other! We can’t all have bad days, that’s why it’s important when someone is wanting to quit or give up there’s always someone to say, “Put down the donut, and get your @ss on the treadmill.” Said with love, of course. 🙂

    There’s a huge, online weight conquering family out here, and we’re all here to give you a big virtual hug. You are Worth this! Take it one day at a time and continue with the #5kin100days and you will see amazing results, and those results will inspire someone else who will look at your success and think, “She did it, I bet I can do it too.” Don’t give up!

    I’m not sure how much you want to expose yourself on this blog, but I do know that it helps to type out what you’re feeling and make yourself vulnerable…not just for others to read, but typing it out is healing for you. You don’t even have to post it, just type it and press print and delete. In order to heal the addiction you need to get the feelings out instead of internalizing them, that’s what makes us eat.

    This comment wasn’t just for you, but for me too. I need to take my own advice. Sorry for making it so long. I know this sounds really cliche, but just take it one day at a time and stop looking at the big picture. Those days add up to success! Good Luck and know that we’re all here for you no matter what.


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