For a while now I have really been struggling to hang on to my healthy living goals. Then a few weeks ago a slip rapidly turned into a spiraling nose dive from the dieting/exercise saddle.
Needless to say, I landed squarely on my head.
Embarrassed by my lack of self-control, I quickly went into hiding mode. I’ve hidden from this blog. I’ve hidden from my Twerps on Twitter. I’ve hidden from the guys on Facebook.
One upside (or downside?) to having an online support group/friends is when you decided to shut yourself off, they virtually have no means to communicate with you. Unlike the people you know “in real life”, most of your online community can’t just pick up the phone or drive over to confront you and ask WTF?
Of course, my “in real life” folks are pretty limited. Over the years I have successfully cut myself off from and withdrawn from most of them, so even they don’t call or come by.
But even with all of this, as I lay wallowing in the darkness, the self-loathing, regret and embarrassment, I manage to imagine a life better than this. I dare to dream of a day that food addiction and exercise phobia doesn’t dictate the directions of my life. I dream of a time that I am strong and wise enough to make better decisions about the food I put into my mouth. I long for the day that I can tie my shoes and literally run out the door.
I have heard numerous people say, “you have to really want it”. I really want it. Really, I do.
Unlike other addiction, because I have a food/binge addiction, I wear the results of my addiction for the whole world to see. And I am my own worst critic.
I hate how I look and feel (emotionally and physically), but feel I am completely powerless against my demons.
How do I reset my mind? Over the past couple of weeks I have completely undone what little good I had managed since October. My weight is back up to 328 lbs.