And Sometimes I Still Cry

The following is the blog I posted about a week after my Daddy’s death…

“It’s funny how the mind can realize that something is happening, but the heart refuses to see it.  I went to see my Daddy last Monday when he was in the hospital in Abilene.  I knew he was sick, I had heard and understood what the doctors had said to him.  We had even talked about the pro and cons of CPR when the time came.  Daddy had asked to speak with a preacher which had struck me as odd, especially since in the 32 years I have known the man he had been to church once that I can remember.  But I kissed him and told him I loved him and that I would see him when he got home, that we would be having Christyan’s birthday party out at their house so that he wouldn’t have to walk so far to my house.  I should have stayed.  I never got to see my Daddy again, Chris had to work Tuesday, and Mom went to get Daddy Wednesday.  They got home late, I did get to talk to him for just a moment, I asked how he was feeling and told him I would talk to him tomorrow when I came out.  I never made it out.  I should have went out to see him instead of going to Wal-mart.  I already miss him terribly and its only been a week.  I’m at a loss, I’m not sure what to do with myself, or what to do to help my mother.  While I had only been his daughter for 32 years, my mother has been his wife for 52.  How do you redefine what you are?  I know that death is just a part of life, and life keeps going.  That is evident when I look at my girls.  But it doesn’t make the pain less, and I want to yell at people to stop telling me that he isn’t hurting any more and that he is in a better place.  Well I got news for you people, I am a very selfish person I guess, because all I want is my Daddy.  The baby didn’t understand and at the funeral she kept yelling “Perk Perk get up Perk”  we had tought her to say that to him in the mornings so that he would get out of bed.  Carolyne was so upset she literally passed out.  Catherynn I don’t think realized what was going on.  My Daddy was a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but to us he was the glue that held this family together.  Without him I wonder how far we will drift.  I can’t imagine that we will cling to each other, we never have before.  Will Mom be that glue now?  Can she hold us all together?  I hope so. 

Daddy’s service was very nice.  Considering that it was Memorial Day a lot of people turned out.  It was touching to see the numerous people that thought highly of Daddy.  If you know him you know what I am talking about.  If you don’t know him, you truly missed out on one hell of a man.  I don’t just say that as his daughter, I say that as someone who admired and respected him.

My sister found a poem that really expresses what Daddy meant to all of his girls.

Goodbye Daddy

by Tonya Bailey

Goodbye my precious Daddy,

I love and miss you so.

But The Gates of Heaven opened,

And it is your time to go.

Your painful battles are over,

It is your time to receive.

The greatest gift from God,

Your new life of eternity.

With skies made up of rainbows,

Like the one seen in our dreams.

With endless fountains of love for you,

Like the life you’ve given me.

An angel now in heaven,

Is what you’ve gone to be,

Flying above those rainbows,

Watching over me.

I didn’t want to see you go,

Your memories will never fade.

Hearts are forever broken,

Especially, all the friends you made.

Goodbye my sweet Daddy,

It’s your time to leave this world.

But, I want you to know, what an honor I have,

Being “My Daddy’s Little Girl.”

 

Posted in loving memory of

Cecil Elwayne Perkins

Jan 6, 1938 – May 22, 2008″

 

Mama & Daddy 2001

 

It doesn’t seem possible that he has been gone for so long.  It seems just like yesterday that I was talking to him.  On the same hand, it feels like an eternity since I last saw his face and heard his voice.

And sometimes I still cry.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “And Sometimes I Still Cry

  1. Elizabeth

    Wow. That really touched my heart. Your dad was so funny. I was actually glad Joseph got to meet him. I remember seeing him for the first time after many years. He was much thinner but his happy face and personality were still there. I know for a fact that the pain doesn’t go away, you just learn to live with it. It will be 20 years for me in November and I tell ya what, it doesn’t seem that long and like you said sometimes it seems like an eternity. My mom and I still cry at times about him. Something will remind me of him and I just lose it. I think no matter what, I will always have that 16 year old girl just under the surface.

  2. Melissa

    HUGS to you Christi! I know my father in law died 3 yrs ago. It is still hard for all of us. 😦

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