Normally when I write a blog, I will read it to Chris before I hit the publish button. This allows me the opportunity to hear my words and make sure they flow in a manner that sounds like me.
Thursday morning’s blog did not get proofed in this manner. Mainly because I wrote it at about 3 in the morning.
Thursday’s early morning binge began Wednesday night when Chris and I got into a pissing match.
My husband drives a feed truck for a living. He does it for a few reasons. The 2 main reasons he drives a truck:
- Money. He makes in a day now what he use to make in 2 weeks when working EMS.
- Freedom. He always gets 2 full days off per week and often has 3 day weekends. And, because he owns his own truck, he can take off whenever he likes.
Anyways, Wednesday he didn’t make it home, which is rare.
The wrecking crew were in fine form Wednesday. They began fighting with each other as soon as they got into the car after school. They were particularly whiny and needy that evening. By the time Chris called to say he wouldn’t be making it home, I was frustrated, tired and hungry.
The thought of him not coming home instantly sent ripples of anger through me and quickly reduced me to tears.
Hence we twisted off at each other.
Now you should know, I am very particular about my food temperatures. If food is supposed to be cold, I want it ice-cold and if it is supposed to be hot, I want it boiling hot.
After cooking dinner and serving the girls, my food was neither. It was luke warm. Ick!
The wrecking crew was fed, bathed and put into bed, but instead of warming up my dinner I chose to act like a child.
I pouted, I whined and I cried about it.
And continued to argue with Chris.
Thursday after all was starting to right itself in my world, I called Chris and read him my blog.
When I finished reading it to him, he said to me “At least you got to eat”.
I realized in that moment that Chris really has no idea, nor understands anything about my eating issues and binging.
Chris doesn’t get or understand that when I binge, I take no pleasure in it. He doesn’t get that it is complete and total misery and humiliation.
At least as far as my family life is concerned, I am completely alone in this.
This isn’t to say that Chris isn’t supportive of me. This is just saying I realize that my food/eating issues are just that. MY food/eating issues. And I hope to keep it that way.