Somehow, I managed to string together nine full days of mindful, controlled eating. And, over the Easter holiday weekend.
All of that came crashing down around 1 a.m. this morning.
Before I decided to be more mindful of my eating, I never really paid any attention to whether or not my binges were emotion/stress induced. I am positive they were then, just as they are now. Afterall that is exactly what derailed this crazy train today.
Last night, Chris and I got into a bit of a tiff. It was really nothing and it was something beyond either one of our controls.
Instead of just letting it go, I allowed it to eat at me.
Somewhere around 12:30 a.m., I got the brilliant idea to eat my anger and frustration away. Even as I sat in the kitchen making myself a big, fat calzone (yes, calzone at 1 a.m.), I knew I was losing control. I knew I was eating for all of the wrong reasons. I didn’t care.
I even had the internal debate with myself about what I was doing.
Unfortunately, the emotionally retarded fat girl inside took over.
Even as the guilt set in about mind-binge, I couldn’t find the strength within to stop it.
Now that the binge is over I am feeling fat, bloated, sick, guilty, disappointed, angry, fear and rage, just to name a few.
For the past nine days, I have diligently measured and chose healthier options of food. Not only that, I have found ways to keep myself busy and kept my emotions in check.
During the past nine days I have felt strong and empowered. I could see my goal slowly inching closer.
Now I can’t see myself ever reaching my goal.
Now all I can think is how over the past month, I have made significant strides in reigning in my eating, only to blow it in a moment of self-pity, sadness and anger.
Eventually the tears will stop, the self-loathing and remorse will ease. I will realize that tomorrow (or later today) is a new day and thus a new beginning.
Until then though, I am going to go wallow in all of the negative emotions I brought on myself.
And hopefully sleep.