Somehow, I managed to string together nine full days of mindful, controlled eating.  And, over the Easter holiday weekend.

All of that came crashing down around 1 a.m. this morning.

Before I decided to be more mindful of my eating, I never really paid any attention to whether or not my binges were emotion/stress induced.  I am positive they were then, just as they are now.  Afterall that is exactly what derailed this crazy train today.

Last night, Chris and I got into a bit of a tiff.  It was really nothing and it was something beyond either one of our controls. 

Instead of just letting it go, I allowed it to eat at me. 

Somewhere around 12:30 a.m., I got the brilliant idea to eat my anger and frustration away.  Even as I sat in the kitchen making myself a big, fat calzone (yes, calzone at 1 a.m.), I knew I was losing control.  I knew I was eating for all of the wrong reasons.  I didn’t care.

I even had the internal debate with myself about what I was doing.

Unfortunately, the emotionally retarded  fat girl inside took over.

Even as the guilt set in about mind-binge, I couldn’t find the strength within to stop it.

Now that the binge is over  I am feeling fat, bloated, sick, guilty, disappointed, angry, fear and rage, just to name a few.

For the past nine days, I have diligently measured and chose healthier options of food.  Not only that, I have found ways to keep myself busy and kept my emotions in check.

During the past nine days I have felt strong and empowered.  I could see my goal slowly inching closer.

Now I can’t see myself ever reaching my goal.

Now all I can think is how over the past month, I have made significant strides in reigning in my eating, only to blow it in a moment of self-pity, sadness and anger.

Eventually the tears will stop, the self-loathing and remorse will ease.  I will realize that tomorrow (or later today) is a new day and thus a new beginning.

Until then though, I am going to go wallow in all of the negative emotions I brought on myself. 

And hopefully sleep.



Filed under Diet, Health, Weight

4 responses to “Binging

  1. Elizabeth

    I hear ya. I hate it when I binge and basically tell the rational part of me to shut up. I always feel horrible afterward and yet I do it again and again. I wish I knew the answer. It seems like such an impossible war that I lose so many times over and over. I pray the Lord would take it away and sometimes it does seem controlled but most of the time, I feel severely out of control. I hope today goes better for you Christi.

  2. I know you’ve heard it before, but I understand completely… I really do. Night time seems to be the worst for me, and if something is nagging me emotionally, well… watch out, better put a lock on the kitchen door.
    My last splurge came last weekend, not even an emotional splurge, but one I felt terrible over. We just have to keep picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off. You haven’t undone everything you’ve accomplished, you’ve just had a little setback.
    Today is day 1 again.

  3. Jody

    I have nothing to say but this: I have been there. I was there just last week. But today – I am on day 6 of a #7daychip. You will get over this and you will realize it is a new day. Bumps in the road are inevitable and at times, unavoidable. I know you know this.

    Hang tough, friend. We have been there before and we are here to pick you up if need be. I am proud of those 9 days – you should be too. I am proud of your ability to admit the emotions and reasons behind this binge. I am proud of the fact that you will start again and kick today’s (or tomorrow’s or the next day’s) ass.

  4. I can’t tell you the numerous times I’d been in the exact same spot. EXACTLY. I’ll string together a good number of days and then completely lose my mind. It’s stupid, it’s irrational. And for some reason I like to make myself hurt. It’s as if by binging I’m punishing myself and on some level I think I deserve to be punished, or prove to myself that I can’t reach the goals I’ve set for myself.

    But I’ve got news for both of us. That’s all bullshit. Top of the line, Grade-A bullshit, and we both know it. WE are in control. WE have the power. Take the way you’re feeling now and harness all that emotion into making a plan for not the next nine days – but for the next 24 hours. Because really, tomorrow doesn’t matter. Next year doesn’t matter. What matters is RIGHT NOW.

    Goodbye, Fat Girl!
    Confessions Of A Momma

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