While we can all agree that my sarcastic and often smart-ass attitude is often charming and one of my redeeming features, what you might not realize is I am a natural pessimist.

I know, hard to believe.  My glass is often half empty.

And I’ve never really been envious of those with sunnier dispositions.  Because, even though I may not always have the brightest out look on things, I have always been happy, or at least content, with myself.

Sure, throughout the years I have occasionally wondered how my life would be different if I were thinner, but I never had a negative self-image.

That is, until I decided to lose weight, get healthy, did I really start having issues with my body.

These issues, have wreaked havoc on me mentally.

Since embarking on this journey, I have had to face and try to come to terms with myself.

Depression, doubt and self loathing set in early.

I saw some small progress at first, then the mental shit occurred.

It was a vicious circle.   I was depressed because the results weren’t coming fast enough, the results weren’t coming fast enough because I was depressed.

I played the game and semi put up a fight.  I made plans and unattainable goals.  I half-heartedly committed to a new diet and exercise regimen.

I wrote blog after blog of the things I was going to do and of the poorly thought out plans of action.

The other day as I read through some of my older blog post, I was struck and embarrassed at how negative my blog has increasingly become.

This past month or so, I had set a goal for myself: do not over eat by going back for 2nd and 3rds at meals for 1 full week.

The first few tries I didn’t make it past day 1.  Some how I managed to eek out 3 and then 5 days, only to blow it in a late night binge.

Shame, guilt, negative thoughts and negative self-talk was consuming me.

I was pissing myself off.

I was driving myself crazy.

After last week’s late night binge that brought my 5 day streak of good (decent) food choices to a grinding halt, I decided to take a break.

I wasn’t good for anyone else, little alone myself, with that attitude.

I decided to take the next few days to not think about diet, exercise, how fat I am, blogging, twitter, or Facebook.

I was still around, but I wasn’t letting it get me down.

The break gave me time to think about why this is so hard.

Why is putting down food when I am not hungry so hard?

Besides the obvious food addiction, there is the self-sabotage and negative attitude.

I knew from the get-go that I self sabotage.  I also knew that by setting out on a diet and setting very specific goals, I would consciously, or unconsciously, find a way to sabotage myself.

I have to refocus and realize that I am not on a diet, I am making significant, sustainable changes in order to live a healthier and more active life.

Weight loss is not the main focus or goal.  A healthy lifestyle, an active lifestyle is the true goal.

The goal that I should have been focused on from the beginning. 

The weight loss is just an added bonus.Where my journey will go from here, I don’t know.

What I do know is I will make healthier food choices and strive to move my body every day.

I am tired of being sad.  I am tired of feeling like shit.  I am tired of looking like shit.  I am tired of living like shit.  I am tired of giving and expecting shit.

One day at a time.  I will hope, plan and pray for the best.  I will expect the best.


1 Comment

Filed under Diet, Health, Weight

One response to “Negativity

  1. rantsofaloser

    I can definitely relate to a lot of what you’ve just said. I was thinking the other day about how seemingly obsessive I’ve become about eating well, working out, and my body ever since I started this journey about a month ago. There is not a solid 5 minute time span that I don’t think about my weight or food. I started wondering if this obsession is worth it, I even considered what it’d be like if I gave up and went back to my ‘eat whatever I want and workout here and there’ ways.

    I came to the conclusion, as it seems that you have, that this journey – this life change – takes some – nah, a lot – of getting used to. I’ve never lived like this, consciously thinking about my food choices. I’ve never wanted anything this badly, either. As I – we – continue on our journeys to become better, healthier people with better, happier life, we have to remember that this is new territory. We learn as we go along.

    My mentality has certainly taken a beating these past few weeks. I honestly notice no physical changes, and my mood has been generally ‘blah.’ But, I do have my moments of feeling amazing. Those moments occur after leaving the gym, or after eating an awesomely healthy meal or snack. It’s those moments – those positive feelings – I need to remember. Those are the feelings that will keep me going.

    Jesus, what a rant. I don’t call myself ‘rantsofaloser’ for nothing, I guess. Christi, you are such a motivation for me. You kick my ass when I don’t want it to be kicked. You congratulate my little victories. You give me advice. You are a superb support system. While it saddens me to know that you’ve been mentally down lately, it’s comforting to know that you – a huge source of inspiration – are only human. It’s comforting to know that I am not alone in my emotions and fuck-y thoughts. It’s comforting to know that you ‘get it’ and have been there.

    While I am not you and while our lives may be different, I like to think that I understand the feelings you’ve described in your post. Let’s tackle this shit, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. We can do this, and we will do this.

    Jody aka rantsofaloser

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