While we can all agree that my sarcastic and often smart-ass attitude is often charming and one of my redeeming features, what you might not realize is I am a natural pessimist.
I know, hard to believe. My glass is often half empty.
And I’ve never really been envious of those with sunnier dispositions. Because, even though I may not always have the brightest out look on things, I have always been happy, or at least content, with myself.
Sure, throughout the years I have occasionally wondered how my life would be different if I were thinner, but I never had a negative self-image.
That is, until I decided to lose weight, get healthy, did I really start having issues with my body.
These issues, have wreaked havoc on me mentally.
Since embarking on this journey, I have had to face and try to come to terms with myself.
Depression, doubt and self loathing set in early.
I saw some small progress at first, then the mental shit occurred.
It was a vicious circle. I was depressed because the results weren’t coming fast enough, the results weren’t coming fast enough because I was depressed.
I played the game and semi put up a fight. I made plans and unattainable goals. I half-heartedly committed to a new diet and exercise regimen.
I wrote blog after blog of the things I was going to do and of the poorly thought out plans of action.
The other day as I read through some of my older blog post, I was struck and embarrassed at how negative my blog has increasingly become.
This past month or so, I had set a goal for myself: do not over eat by going back for 2nd and 3rds at meals for 1 full week.
The first few tries I didn’t make it past day 1. Some how I managed to eek out 3 and then 5 days, only to blow it in a late night binge.
Shame, guilt, negative thoughts and negative self-talk was consuming me.
I was pissing myself off.
I was driving myself crazy.
After last week’s late night binge that brought my 5 day streak of good (decent) food choices to a grinding halt, I decided to take a break.
I wasn’t good for anyone else, little alone myself, with that attitude.
I decided to take the next few days to not think about diet, exercise, how fat I am, blogging, twitter, or Facebook.
I was still around, but I wasn’t letting it get me down.
The break gave me time to think about why this is so hard.
Why is putting down food when I am not hungry so hard?
Besides the obvious food addiction, there is the self-sabotage and negative attitude.
I knew from the get-go that I self sabotage. I also knew that by setting out on a diet and setting very specific goals, I would consciously, or unconsciously, find a way to sabotage myself.
I have to refocus and realize that I am not on a diet, I am making significant, sustainable changes in order to live a healthier and more active life.
Weight loss is not the main focus or goal. A healthy lifestyle, an active lifestyle is the true goal.
The goal that I should have been focused on from the beginning.
The weight loss is just an added bonus.Where my journey will go from here, I don’t know.
What I do know is I will make healthier food choices and strive to move my body every day.
I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling like shit. I am tired of looking like shit. I am tired of living like shit. I am tired of giving and expecting shit.
One day at a time. I will hope, plan and pray for the best. I will expect the best.