Today, as I was mulling over all the celebrity gossip trash I seem to be addicted to, I kept thinking how in most of the pictures the celebrities have their make up on and their hair fixed nicely. Often times, these celebrities are in very good, sometimes obscenely good, physical shape.
Now I realize that appearance is something celebrities have to be constantly mindful of, especially if they want to continue working, get future work and in general avoid the more undesirable labels that are often associated with a person not wearing make up, hair in a scrunci, sweat pants and obviously having missed more than 1 or 2 sessions with their personal trainer. After all, no one wants to be thought of as plain, ordinary, unremarkable, frumpy or out of shape.
All of this has me wondering, when did I let myself go?
Countless hours and copious amounts of hair spray was the norm, not the exception. In fact, at one point during my high school career, had everyone else in the great state of Texas stopped buying or using hairspray, Aqua Net would have still shown a profit for the year by my consumption alone. Aqua Net was a major staple in my life (white can, grey stripes, pink writing). If you are nodding in agreement, I am going to assume:
- You grew up in the South
- You were a teenager during the late 80’s/early 90’s
- This is your current hair style and you live in or around the Long Beach, California area
Even though I have never been much of a makeup wearer, you could always bet my hair was done and I was wearing the most fashionable clothes a fat girl could find at the time.
During my early college days and 20’s, I added makeup on a more frequent basis. And this became the norm for about a decade.
After I had Carolyne (during the pregnancy I gain a substantially gross amount of weight) I all but stopped wearing makeup and my hair had finally grown out enough that I kept it pulled back in a pony tail all.of.the.time.
When Carolyne was a year old, I decided to go to EMS school. I also switched from regular soda to diet and started watching my carbs. I really didn’t do anything drastic, but 70 pounds melted off almost effortlessly. Also, during this time I started wearing makeup again. Since I was still in the process of growing my hair out, I still wore it in a pony tail.
Things rocked along like this for a couple of years. Sometime during this time my hair was finally at an acceptable length, so I started fixing it everyday along with still wearing makeup. I was taking care of myself. Watching what I was eating, moving, looking presentable when I left the house.
I met Chris in the spring of ’04 and was living with him and pregnant by the end of the summer. now, during this pregnancy I did stop wearing makeup and doing my hair, but I was still watching what I ate. I only gained 11 pounds the entire pregnancy. I can pinpoint a huge shift in my attitude about my appearance when I got pregnant with Christyan in the fall of ’05. Not only had I not lost the 11 pounds I gained while pregnant with Catherynn, I probably gained an additional 40 pounds with this pregnancy.
Once Christyan was born, I continued these habits of not taking care of myself. I attribute some of this to the postpartum depression I was suffering. At the time, I of course, didn’t recognize that this was what was going on.
Two more pregnancies followed. One in 2008 that ended at 20 weeks. The fetus had actually been compromised around 16 weeks gestation, when the umbilical cord twisted around its self, cutting off all blood flow to the baby. The last pregnancy resulted in my sweet, little Camrynn, who is now a healthy, happy 16 month old. In between the last 2 pregnancies, my Daddy died.
So with the hormonal depression and the added depression of my Daddy’s death, I can’t say I have fully recovered. I’d even go as far as to say most days, I’ve made little to no strides at recovery.
As I have frequently discussed the holiday seasons always bring about the pangs of depression. However, this year seems different. The darkness is deeper, the pain more intense, the hours spent locked in a dark room, alone or asleep are longer. The days of insomnia linger.
It seems that I have come to a crossroad. A point where a decision must be made. Not only for my mental health, but my physical health as well.
Like millions of other people, we do not have health insurance. We make far too much money to qualify for any government assistance, but with Chris being self-employed we do not make nearly enough to be able to afford health insurance for 2 adults and 4 kids completely out-of-pocket. For those of you wondering, yes we take our kids to the doctor and yes they get any and all medications they may need. It is Chris and I who don’t go to the doctor, unless it’s an emergency.
All of this brings me to this:
When is a “funk” no longer a “funk”, but a depression?
For me, I’d say, roughly 4 years ago, when I didn’t “snap out” of my “funk” after Christyan was born.
I am tired of being sad, angry, pissed off, fat and ugly. The one thing I know for sure is I am the only one who can change it for myself.
Tomorrow I am going to go buy an herbal supplement that my sister recommended, 5-HTP. It is a naturally occurring amino acid. I have read several case studies where it has shown to significantly improve depression and helps with weight loss and Fibromyalgia symptoms.
At this point, I am willing to give it a try. My sister sees results and while I don’t expect it to be “the” magic pill, I am hoping it helps enough that the clouds are no longer opaque black and I can finally see a little light shining through.
And, for those of you who say I had no idea, don’t feel bad, I am good at faking it.
Chris just suggested that while I am picking up my 5-HTP’s, I inquire about something to alleviate my condescending and sarcastic personality.