The purpose of blogging was to be a way for me to vent, share my thoughts successes and set backs. I have found that I am obsessed with the stats of my blog. At times, I have even wondered and struggled with new post in order to keep my audience happy.
I have 2 journals full of ideas and stories. However, it is difficult for me to find any of that material worthy enough of putting into my blog. As random as some of the post here at Finding Christi may seem, there is actually a lot of thought and consideration put into each one.
It is a very daunting task for me to “put it all out there”. I don’t want the world to know that I weight 325 lbs, how insecure I am, how emotionally/mentally unstable I can be, or my struggles with being a Christian.
Why do I do it then?
Because, if I put it all out there for the world to see, I have no choice but to acceptt that this is my reality and own it.
Or so you would think. What does happen is I put it all out there for the world to see, then I slink back into myself. I can talk a big game about taking control. Instead, I allow all of my fears, insecurities, self loathing and laziness to creep back in. I allow them to take a firm hold of my life and dictate the directions I go in.
Funny thing is, I am absolutely brilliant, in my own mind at least.
If you were to see me now, you would hardly recognize me. That loud, confrontational and assertive person you all knew and loved has now been replaced with a fairly quiet, meek and non-assertive wimp.
I can’t pin point exactly when it all changed. Maybe none of that was ever really me? Maybe when I stopped drinking? After all, I spent my entire 20’s with an alcohol fuelled personality.
I know alcohol is bad for you and it is wrong to drink to excess or stay drunk all of the time. But damn, I was a LOT of fun!
Talk about randomness….