I hate insomnia. I am sure most people who suffer with it do as well. When I have an especially hard night, one where I am tired and want to sleep but can’t, it throws my entire next day off. Most nights I can manage 3-4 hours of sleep, and over the years have even learned to function fairly well. But, the nights I get no sleep, I am completely wiped out and useless the next day.
By now, you have probably assumed what happened last night. That’s right, nada, nill, nothing. Not a wink! Some people would say don’t take a nap in the afternoon. I don’t always nap in the afternoon though. The days I do, if it weren’t for that nap, I would be going on between 48 and 72 hours without sleep.
Maybe this insomnia is a result of the years I spent trying not to sleep in my 20’s. I would stay awake for days at a time. Then when I would sleep, it would be for days. Ok, maybe days is an exaggeration. It was not uncommon for me to sleep 24 straight hours.
I really thought that when I started exercising it would help to eliminate some of my insomnia. Boy, was I wrong! The only thing the exercising seems to do is wind me up. Guess I can sleep when I am dead, huh?
Due to last night’s lack of blissful slumber, today was full of exhaustion and a very poor, poor me attitude.
Poor me for being fat. Poor me for being tired. Poor me for needing to exercise. None of it seemed fair.
You know what? It isn’t fair! It isn’t fair that I drew the short straw when it comes to genetics. It isn’t fair that I got stuck with a slow metabolism. It certainly isn’t fair that losing weight isn’t nearly as much fun as gaining it. It isn’t fair that I can’t be one of those naturally thin people, who never seem to pay for the hours they spend in front of the TV. It isn’t fair that some people can seemingly look at a piece of gym equipment and loose 10 pounds, while I toil away for hours each week to only see a pound loss.
I only have 2 options though:
- Continue whining and playing the poor me card and continue doing nothing.
- Shut up, suck it up, get over it and own it.
I say it is high time to lose the lousy attitude. No one is going to do this for me. I will never find an “Easy” button for fat. A magic pill that is going to make me 4 feet taller or 191 pounds lighter is never going to fall into my lap.
I just have to keep telling myself this. Insomnia be damned, tired or not, only I can make these changes!
The other thing I can’t figure out? One day I feel confident and strong doing this and the very next day I am virtually reduced to a whinny, crying baby who can’t see past the difficulties of right now to the big picture.
The journey to reach my goal maybe the real prize. Every day, every struggle, every revelation, every milestone, every set back and every accomplishment change who I am and shape the future me.
My prayer is that all this whining and all this self-doubt is nothing more than a phase that I have to go through in order to emerge on the other side a wise, healthier, leaner, stronger and more confident Christi.
Zumba tomorrow at the YMCA at 5:30 pm!