I just want to thank everyone for their votes of confidence. For the first time I really feel like I can do this. I can lose the weight. I can condition and train my body. I can (eventually) do that marathon!
I am not a big fan of showing a lot of emotion. Yes, when I am happy or angry you can certainly tell. I am talking about any emotion that makes me tear up or cry.
I get embarrassed if I well up at a sad movie. I will hide my pride if it means I might shed a tear. Even when someone I care about dies, I will hold my feelings in. For example, when my Daddy died 2.5 years ago. Sure, I cried, sure there were tears. Only because no matter how much I tried to suppress my sorrows they came. What never came, though, was the full release of wails and grief. I was sad. I knew my life was forever changed. I knew I would miss him horribly. So why couldn’t I allow myself this?
The answer is, I don’t know. Maybe it is because I have always been “the tough chick”, and I never wanted to be known as “the crier”.
But, what is wrong with allowing myself to wail with grief, if that is what I am feeling? And who cares if I am watching a sappy, romantic or sad movie and it causes a few tears by tugging at my heart-strings? Why shouldn’t I let the world see my tears of joy or pride?
Of course, by now you are wondering what in the world is going on with Christi?
As I was driving to the Y lastnight, I was going over in my head the things I wanted to get accomplished. My mind drifted to my goal 5k in February. I imagined my family (Chris, the wrecking crew & my Mama) cheering me on as I cross the finish line. I imagined flinging my arms wide open, throwing my head back, closing my eyes and seeing my Daddy’s face full of pride, as I make those final strides.
That’s when the tears came. I immediately I started stifling my tears, chastising myself for being silly for crying. Then I stopped myself. Why shouldn’t I cry? When that day comes, I will have put in the work and made the sacrifices to get there. At that point I will have earned the right to be proud of myself. If tears of joy and pride is what’s in my heart at that time, I am going to embrace it and let them flow free.
I will continue to visualize my goal, even if that means I shed a few tears between now and then. I deserve it. I have earned it.