Because I’m too fat

Am I the only person who uses their weight as an excuse?

Hey Christi, why don’t you go work out?  Because I’m too fat.

Hey Christi, why don’t you cook your kids some dinner?  Because I’m too fat.

Hey Christi, why don’t you clean your house?  Because I’m too fat.

Hey Christi, why didn’t you finish school?  Because I’m too fat.

Hey Christi, why aren’t you intimate with your husband more (physically and emotionally)?  Because I’m too fat.

Hey Christi, why don’t you get off your ass and do anything?  Because I am too fat!

It amazes me at the numerous things I can use being too fat as an excuse to get out of doing.

When I was younger I was some what of a social butterfly.  I went out and I hung out with friends.  I was always quick to make new friends.  I often knew everyone and they knew me.  Many times, I was even refered to as “the life of the party”.  Now days though, I am perfectly content to lock myself away and spend days not leaving my house or talk to anyone outside of my immediate family.  By doing this I am not forced to be presentable, both physically or emotionally.

What this does do is allow me to rely entirely on my husband and children for all of my emotional needs.  When they can’t fill these needs day in and day out, I become angry and lash out at them.  Drawing even further into my self despair, I demand to know why they don’t love me enough.

Funny thing is, they (especially my Chris) probably love me too much.  How can someone love another too much?  Because, instead of risking hurting my feelings by telling me to get off my ass and do something, anything, my husband had rather take on the task of filling my endless need of love and acceptance alone.

Even when he is giving me everything he has and I still lash out and criticize him for his failures, he continues to try to please me.  Instead of saying, “No honey, I will not go to Dairy Queen and get you a 3rd blizzard for the day,” he does so gladly and willingly.  Because he loves me.  Because he wants me to be happy.  Because a fat Christi is much easier to deal with than an angry Christi.

The world I have shrunk back into, the world I am comfortable with, is a very lonely world.  I no longer fill my need for social interaction.  I no longer strive to fill my husbands emotional needs.  And I have to wonder, if I am filling my children’s emotional needs. 

So today, I’ve spent most of the day looking at Spark People’s web site, and thinking about my membership at the YMCA.  Both are potentially really great tools in my quest to get healthy and lose weight.  If I would actually get off my rear end and use them.

Like Weight Watchers, Spark People encourages its users to log or journal the foods and drinks that are consumed throughout the day.  The inherent problem I have with this is my tendency to obsess.  Not only do I tend to obsess about what I can eat, I’ll also obsess about how much and when.  To the point that I will sabotage myself.  However, what I do seem to do well with is predetermined meal plans, either by my own device or someone elses.  If I have a  list of foods (and amounts) that I can have in a given day, requiring little or no thinking on my part, I am more likely to follow said list without deviating.  Hence forth, weekly meal plans, obsessed over on Sunday afternoons are in order, so that I no longer spend my week setting myself up for failure.

Spark People actually offers a nifty meal plan option.  The problem I have with this feature is, I am so picky about my foods 90% of what they suggest is not practical for me.

Another feature Spark People offers is an exercise plan and tools that allow you to track your workouts.  This tool also gives an estimation of the calories burned during your workouts.  This ia na especially handy tool if you don’t have on of those handy-dandy watch type devices that tracks workout times and calories burned.

If I could wrap my head around using these tools, I could take the exercises that have been prescribed by Spark People to the Y with me.  The Y I attend has a very modern cardiac studio as well as weight room.  There is no reason besides laziness why i can not go exercise.  They also offer Zumba several times a week, I think I am interested in trying this class.

According to Spark People, I am allowed 1200-1550 calories per day.  My goal is to stay as close to 1200 calories per day as possible.  They also recommend that I get 3 hours per week of cardiac exercise and 2 hours per week of strength training.  I am resolving to get and hour of cardiac exercise Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  While the girls are doing their karate classes on Tuesday and Thursday I am going to work on core strengthening.

Spark People is a free site that has tons of free tools and resources. 

What tools/resources do you use in your diet and exercise plan?

Do you use your weight to get out of doing things?

Do you project your frustrations with yourself onto others?



Filed under Health

6 responses to “Because I’m too fat

  1. HEY! I just have to say I adore you! I’ve totally been there. No one likes my because I’m to fat. But it completely and utterly false! I’m going to tack on what I’m working along side of weight watchers. Its called Best Life Food Therapy. Its headed up by my friend Emily and heres the website.
    Just check it out and maybe you can work into your crazy life! 🙂
    Keep up the awesome work! I heart you! 🙂

  2. Jamie

    WOW GIRL!! I thought I was the only one who did that to thier family.. This morning I lashed out at the kids due to my insecurities about my walk with the Lord… I didn’t realize that was what I was doing until afterwards.. But like you I am very fortunate to have a very forgiving husband and kids..
    I had to start telling John to tell me when I needed to stop eating.. He hates doing it because like chris, he wants me to be happy.. But he doesnt realize that I was and can make myself very miserable by not having any self control… I have to say “ok tell me to quit eatin these M&Ms!” and oddly enough, when he tells me to I quit… It’s the type of accountability I need.. Although that is happening less and less now adays.. I’m usually saying give me another bite…

    When people look at me they think I’m very thin, but I guess I always compare myself to what I was like when I thought I was hot.. And it was about 30-35 lbs ago… I’ve gained, loss and been stuck.. But mo matter how much weight I lose I always come back to the weight I am now.. I had someone tell me it’s my “happy weight”. That one is debatable!

    Anywho,,, tools, I just try to eat foods that make me feel happy when I see them.. Like bright colors make me feel energetic so I try to do that as often as possible. But I do enjoy nachos like nobodys business often!! And if I’m feeling stressed I try to go for a walk or jog… And especially if it’s a pretty day. I can’t do that gym thing… It’s too stale for me! I need to see what God is up to in that day!

    The emotional part of weight loss is an ongoing battle for me! I know that I am a very emotional eater! And my drug of choice in those moments is not anything but junk!!
    But I have learned to accept myself and be happy no matter the size.. Cause if John thinks I look good then he is the only one that matters!!

    I hope that blogging is therapeutic for you while on this journey! And I believe you will see great results!!


    • Oh girl, I have never met a bag of M&M’s I didn’t like! My candy of choice! I will tell Chris to tell me to stop eating, but when he does I all but cry and ask him why he is so mean to me! I am so lucky, he has an amazing sense of humor.
      This whole weight loss journey is for me. Chris tells me I am beautiful and perfect just the way I am. While I know he means it, I don’t feel like I am beautiful at all. And his opinion and that of my kids are all that I care about. More than being thin and beautiful, I want to be healthy. I want to teach my girls a better way of life. I don’t want them to have to go through all of the tormenting and teasing I did growing up. I don’t want them to feel socially issolated because of their weight. I want to dance at their weddings. I want to see my grand kids.
      I like the gym more than walking around outside, because I also get some social interaction. I spend so much time alone or with just my kids, it is nice to get out and meet people.
      Again, thank you so much for your support. I didn’t realize that I needed other people to encourage me until I started this blog.

  3. Melissa Khammash

    You can do it Christi! I am right there with you chickie on trying to lose weight. You want to chat just send me a message on Facebook and I will call you ok! ANYTIME! You do have friends out here (even across the planet from you like me!) who want to support your efforts and you!!! We all love you and pray for you girl!

    • Thanks Melissa. Even though this blog is technically for me, to help me wrap my head around everything and anything, it sure does make me feel all warm and fuzzy to know people actually read it. But what has impressed me is the amount of support I am getting. Of course I suppose I expected my friends to support me, but people I never would have thought about reading my blog (i.e. my mother and sisters) are reading. While they aren’t necessarily commenting here, I am getting tons of comments from them! lol
      And I have completely shocked myself. I didn’t know I had so many opinions. And I didn’t know I like to write! I find myself writing in my spiral several times a day. Of course most of it would make no sense to anyone else, but man has it helped. We should set up a time for you to call me every week or two. Maybe I can bounce ideas off of you and tell you about my progress. Maybe be my accountability buddy? Just a thought no pressure 🙂 Thanks so much for your support!

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