So, ummm, what the hell happened to you?

With my 44oz of diet coke with lemon in hand, the baby pissed off because I won’t let her out of the high chair yet, I set off to clean the house.  Only to find myself less than an hour into it, sitting at the computer to bring yet another blog to my loyal reader!

Housework is something I loath.  When I was single, or with only Carolyne, my house was always spotless.  You could have eaten off the floor had you chosen to.  I find it next to impossible to stay on top of keeping the house semi picked up, little alone staying on top of laundry and dishes these days.  Six people can make a huge mess of things in a very, very short period of time!  I had always assumed that little girls were naturally neat and clean.  I suppose I should have known better, because often as a child my bedroom was wall to wall toys.  But the one thing about my girls that I absolutely do not understand is they are destructive.  I swear they could tear the corners off of a bb.  I have actually talked with my mother about this, and she says that though I was a messy child, I actually did take very good care of my things.  Rarely did I ever destroy something, and more times than not, if something did get destroyed it was completely by accident.

On another note, I have been doing some thinking about how my weight got so high again.  I should remind you that this is not my highest weight.  After I had Carolyne, my weight ballooned up to about 360lbs.  Gasp!  I know, right!?  I made a few small changes then and the weight just dropped off of me.  I started drinking diet soda and managing my carbs by limiting them to 3 times a week.  That is it!  Soon I found myself at about 280lbs.  How sad is it that I think of my “skinny” days as weighting 280lbs?  When I got pregnant with Catherynn I only gained 11lbs and after she was born they quickly went away.  Then about 5 months after Catherynn was born, I found out I was pregnant with Christyan.  I craved, CRAVED, Baby Ruth candy bars with her (and chili dogs with Miracle Whip).  Not to mention I had gestational diabetes with her.  I gained roughly 35lbs with her, but unlike my previous pregnancy the weight didn’t go away.

For the next couple of years after Christyan was born, my weight hovered around 320lbs.  I joined Weight Watchers thinking if I was accountable to someone I would be more conscious about what I ate.  Let me just tell you now, Weight Watchers may be a fantastic tool for some people, but for me it was horrible.  They want you to journal every single thing you put into your mouth.  And I agree with this principle, but I found myself obsessing about when I could eat again, how much I could eat and what I could eat, all of the time.  I may be the only person in history to have actually gained 15lbs while attending Weight Watchers.  I had to stop going to the meetings in order to get my weight back down. 

By the time I found out I was pregnant with Camrynn, my weight was pretty steady at about 322lbs.  Again, with her pregnancy I had gestational diabetes.  Only this time I seemed to be insulin resistant, meaning no matter how much insulin I took my blood sugar would stay at 300.  Gestational diabetes can cause some major problems with unborn babies.  We were very lucky with Christyan in that the diabetes seemed to have little effect on her, other than being slightly bigger than Carolyne or Catherynn were.  With Camrynn by time I was 35 weeks pregnant, I had gained about 45lbs.  The doctor decided to take her early because he was afraid I wouldn’t be able to have her naturally.  The day before my C-section her estimated weight was 10lbs.  After Camrynn’s delivery it was discovered that I was only 35 weeks along instead of almost 37 weeks (like the doctor thought).  So Camrynn came into this world 5 weeks premature, weighting 9lbs 15oz.  She was diagnosed with septal hypertrophy, and spent the first 10 days of her life in the NICU. 

When I went back to the doctor for my 2 week check up after having Camrynn, my weight was down to 304.  Most of my weight gain during the pregnancy was due to water retention and the fact that since my blood sugar was high so was Camrynn’s.  Causing her to have an abundance of amniotic fluid.  In fact, during the surgery, they had 4 of the large suction canisters in the OR, all 4 were full and the water kept pouring out onto the floor.  Chris said he would have said I had somewhere around 6 gallons of fluid.  I don’t know how accurate that is, but it seems very likely.

304lbs.  That seemed like a fair enough place to start trying to lose weight.  Chris had lost his job when he decided to be home when Camrynn was born.  So here we are 4 kids, one of them a new-born with some medical issues and Chris has no job.  Needless to say depression quickly set in.  It wasn’t so much that I was eating more, it was that I just didn’t move.  I didn’t care.  And so is the story for about the next 4 months.  The weight just started piling back on, but the worst part was, I just didn’t care. 

If you read the previous blog “It’s been a long time coming” then you know this is when things started changing for us.  While I may not have lost any weight, at least it seems to be holding steady.  The funny part of all this is, up until recently I never viewed myself as being fat.  I could very literally be sitting next to a super model and wouldn’t notice a difference between us.  My weight has never hindered me until now.  I have always gone and done exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to, without so much as a second thought about my weight.   I have noticed over the past few months that I am slowing down.  I am starting to take notice when I am around people who are slim.  My girls are noticing.  And, as heart warming as it is to know my girls love me unconditionally, it still breaks my heart to hear them say they want to be fat and beautiful like mommy.  I try to impart some sort of wisdom to them by encouraging healthy food choices and exercise.  Maybe encouragement isn’t enough, maybe it’s time to lead by example?  Or Mother by example?

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1 Comment

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One response to “So, ummm, what the hell happened to you?

  1. Elizabeth

    Man oh man can I relate. Well, not to the gaggle of children but to the weight. It’s completely insane when you realize that, hey, I weigh more than the NFL players I watch every week. Everyday is a struggle for me. Please keep blogging about everything. You are a good writer. I always knew it.

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